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Guest Post By Liberty Montano: 60 Ways to Kill Your Characters

Lib — my wife, web designer, biggest fan, media coordinator, and the author of Novel Blogging and the upcoming Grymmlore — put this list together, inspired by the Paul Simon song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” and by her natural penchant for cruelty.  Several of the examples below are pulled from comedians, real events, and just plain goofy stuff that she came across on the internet. If you writers ever find yourself needing to be rid of one of your pesky characters, try one or more of these fun and easy options!

According to my son, this is my head.

60 Ways to Kill Your Characters:

  1. Stab him in the back.
  2. Hit him with a pan.
  3. Drop him in the sea.
  4. Hit him with a bus.
  5. Cut of her head.
  6. Shoot her.
  7. Put her in a bag.
  8. Launch him into outer space.
  9. Stick him on a rotisserie.
  10. Smother him in jam. (Steve’s note: Pretty sure this one came from Eddie Izzard.)
  11. Push him in front of a Paris subway train.
  12. Spontaneously give him a congenital heart defect.
  13. Make him have a stroke.
  14. Make her plane crash over the Sea of Japan.
  15. Make him lick hundreds of cheap toxic envelopes.
  16. Drop a bridge on him.
  17. Make him explode. (Steve’s note: One of my favorites.)
  18. Make him die in a space pod crash.
  19. Give her an alien face-hugger to play with.
  20. Let him be smothered to death by gifts of cloaks. (Steve’s note: Apparently this really happen to some historical person.)
  21. Attack him with wolves. (Steve’s note: Void if character looks like Liam Neeson.)
  22. Executed by way of Scaphism.  (Steve’s note: Eww.)
  23. Crush him with a war elephant. (Steve’s note: This is how I want to go.)
  24. Crucify him.
  25. Have his skin flayed with iron combs.
  26. Choke him with a single hair in a draught of milk.
  27. Expulsion of the intestines. (Steve’s note: Ick.)
  28. Rip off her skin with sharp sea-shells. (Steve’s note: I’m married to this woman, folks.)
  29. Drowning.
  30. Eaten alive by mice.
  31. Cause the throne’s canopy to collapse upon him. (Steve’s note: Another historical classic.)
  32. Make him choke on a fly in his wine. (Steve’s note: Again, a true event.)
  33. Insert a red-hot iron into his anus. (Steve’s note: See #28, above.)
  34. Condemned him to sit on a red-hot iron throne with a red-hot iron crown on his head.
  35. Have him eaten by six of his fellow rebels, who had been starved for a week beforehand.
  36. Have him beaten to death with his own wooden leg. (Steve’s note: That would suck.)
  37. Asphyxiation.
  38. Have him die of a gangrenous abscess.
  39. Have him die of overeating at a feast. (Steve’s note: This would work especially well if you’re writing in George R.R. Martin’s universe.)
  40. Have a globe of ball lightning hit him on his head.
  41. Have molten lead fall into his throat.
  42. Stick a piece of whale bone through his urinary tract to relieve a blockage. (Steve’s note: WHAT THE $!@???)
  43. Crush her to death with a locomotive.  (Steve’s note: Another classic. Make sure you have a villain with a handlebar mustache for this one.)
  44. Have him be gored by a bull.
  45. Have him shoot himself.
  46. Give him blood poisoning.
  47. Make him fall to his death.
  48. Poison him, shoot in the head, shoot him three more times, bludgeon him, and then throw him into a frozen river after he’s been castrated. (Steve’s note: Those Russians are evil.)
  49. Bury him in a wave of molasses. (Steve’s note: Sweet.)
  50. Give him cyanide poisoning.
  51. Make him die from bites received from a dog and monkey. (Steve’s note: Quite a random combination, Love.)
  52. Have her killed by a Cassowary. (Steve’s note: Okaaaaaaaaaaay.)
  53. Give him a ruptured appendix.
  54. Break his neck.
  55. Kill him with a pipe bomb.
  56. Give him radiation poisoning.
  57. Make him die due to multiple poisonings, gassing him, and then hitting him with a car. (Steve’s note: Brutal.)
  58. Bludgeon him to death with a fire extinguisher. (Steve’s note: I don’t know why, but that one makes me LOL.)
  59. Make him fall down a chimney into a heating boiler.
  60. Give him an injection of snake venom and morphine.  (Steve’s note: Good to end things on a kind note…)

1 Comment

  1. John Chapman

    Most unimaginative! In our latest book, due out December, we have:
    • Killed due to villain’s weather control causing his daughters plane to crash
    • loss of blood due to arm being ripped off
    • Killed by a possessed ‘dead’ woman breaking necks, choking with bare hands and throwing plasma balls
    • Killed by an accidental gas explosion while trying to kill others with a gas explosion (different gas source)
    • removed by aliens and their bodies replaced by clones who appear to have been hit by lightning
    • shot (Ok – that’s not very imaginative either)

    Reply

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