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26 Stupid and/or Funny Things I’ve Heard People Say In Public

The title pretty much says it all.  In today’s era of Smartphones, Bluetooths, Iphones, and cluelessness, it should come as no surprise that we have a plentiful supply of inane, ridiculous, humorous, and just plain stupid shit that people say in public.  Sometimes I want to imagine folks are intentionally saying something outlandish to try and get attention…but then I remember that I’m a firm believer in the generally moronic nature of your average person, and I decide not to give them that much credit.  ;D

I think our modern media age has numbed us to some of the basics of human interaction (like how to keep your voice down) and common sense (like the fact that just because you’re on a cell phone doesn’t mean no one else can hear you).

I’ve caught snippets of quite a few interesting conversations over the years, from sitting in Family diners and studying when I was back in college to riding the bus/commuter train every day to and from work for the past several years.  Oh, yeah, and there are those terrific work conversations, as well, over the coffee pot, in the lunch room, or even in the restroom…

So I present this to you, my ode to things I’ve heard people say in public.  What makes these snippets so disgusting is that very little eavesdropping was required on my part.

I’m only giving you one-liners or short snippets of conversations so as to protect the innocent.  All of these snippets are real things I heard people I don’t know (or, in some cases, barely know) say in public.  None of these were made up…face it, you can’t make some of this stuff up.  I also know that some of it was intentionally meant to be funny…or, maybe it wasn’t.  When in public, sometimes it’s hard to tell. ;D

[For a different perspective on this burning issue, check out Candice Bundy’s post, where she goes in-depth with some back-and-forth conversations she herself has overheard.]


1) “Dude, you have?  I’ve done cocaine, too!” [family diner, between two guys who looked like utter computer nerds]

2) “I’ve already told you all about my sexual problems!” [cell phone, train]

3) “Yes, I have hair.  That’s what happens when you don’t shave your head.” [family diner]

4) “Hey, Phil, let me in, man!  I got your Momma down here!” [shouted from outside the dorm]

5) “I know your brother just got out of jail.  That’s why you need that tattoo.” [cell phone, train]

6) “Could I call you back in about 15 minutes?  Do I call the number on the caller ID?  Oh…well, uh…I’m not really…somewhere where I can write that down at the moment, I, uh…don’t have a pen handy…” [cell phone, work, from inside a men’s room stall]

7) “There aren’t any good movies that don’t star Steven Seagal.” [family diner]

8 ) “Do you think we could find someone for a threesome?  Someone short?” [family diner, during the brunch hour]

9) “I told him to stop taking Viagra.” [work, downstairs cafe]

10) “I want to get arrested with Lady Gaga.” [coffee shop]

11) “I should really stop dating older and married guys.” [coffee shop]

12) “I can’t believe he made her wear a tutu.” [work, downstairs cafe]

13) “My computer was on my lap for like 6 hours!  I thought I’d irradiated my testicles!” [family diner]

14) “I always felt sorry for the Imperial officer who was in charge of the Endor forces.  Can you imagine when he had to go back to his superiors and explain how they lost to a bunch of f$!@! Teddy bears!” [family diner]

15) “We should eat biscuits this weekend.  That would be killer.” [train]

16) “People with canes are usually dangerous.” [train, between a serious looking older couple]

17) “Well, tell her not to get a piercing there!” [cell phone, train]

18) “I should probably stop lying to my wife.” [cell phone, train]

19) “I’d rather he get a puppy than get her pregnant.” [work]

20) “Hello, it’s sperm!!!!” [train]

21) “They wouldn’t let me work at that coffee stand because my boobs aren’t big enough.  Hello?  My boobs are awesome!” [coffee shop]

22) “Yeah, I’ll pick up…that stuff…on my way home…” [work, cell phone, from inside a men’s room stall]

23) “Wait, you’re from Denver?  Do you know a guy named Cecil?  What about Dr. Killjoy?” [on a Greyhound bus, from one gangsta rapper to another]

24) “Wait, how many girls have you slept with?” [Waffle House. That’s right…Waffle House.]

25) “Do you think she’d let me [censored] on her [censored]?” [family diner, between a college-aged guy and someone who could easily have been his grandmother] [Steve’s Note: Ewwww]

And my all-time favorite.  Someone shouted this at an ear-shattering volume across the Boulder campus during one chilly Halloween night.  His voice made clear he was medicated, legally or otherwise.

26) “Hey, who wants to tie my SHOOOOOES???!!!!”


What ridiculous or awkward things have you overheard in a public place?  (Or said yourself? ;D)


  1. Candice Bundy

    Numbers one and fourteen are totes my favorites. 🙂 And also 26, just because I’m from Colorado, and there’s the associated shame of all the ‘medicated’ folks who are so, sadly, ill here. Yes, they need help tying their shoes. And so much else…

    Cheers, Steven! Great post. I’m glad we could collaborate! 🙂

    • Daezarkian

      Thanks for partnering up on this one, Candice, this was fun! =D

  2. Jen

    This is the most epic list I’ve ever read. I’m still laughing about the Steven Seagal comment.

    • Daezarkian

      Thank you! =D

      That was from my study place back in college. There was much “WTF?!” worthy things spoken in that Perkins, I can tell you…

  3. Amber

    Steven Seagal comment is awesome.

    I’m ashamed (or maybe proud) to say that if you ever overheard my sister and I having conversations, we would probably make the list.

    • Daezarkian

      I’m a culprit, as well. Or at least I was when I actually spoke to people. ;D

  4. M. Latimer-Ridley

    Brilliant, I love overhearing things like this. They make your day (and people probably think your crazy, smiling to yourself when you leave the diner/bus/bathroom!
    Love your book covers too, Steven! R.

    • Daezarkian

      Thank you! =D

  5. Tiffany A White

    OMG–this is the best read EVER!!! I was laughing so hard. What a fun idea. I love to people watch and eavesdrop. This post is right up my alley. LOL

    Segal. Sperm. Tattoos. Viagra. Gaga. Who could want more? Oh wait,
    “Who wants to tie my shoes?” 🙂

    • Daezarkian

      “Segal. Sperm. Tattoos. Viagra. Gaga.”

      Damn, I should have used that as the tag-line. ;D

      Thanks Tiffany!

    • Daezarkian

      I feel there are certain places a cell phone should never be answered. Inside a restroom stall is one of them.

  6. jack dunne

    13) Well, it would hurt if you had a supercomputer on your lap… 😉

  7. Laura Scriver

    The train sounds… interesting where you live.
    One time I asked a random guy for his opinion in a store. He replied, “well, it’s kind of six of one, 3/4 of the other, isn’t it?” Not really. I had a hard time answering with a straight face.

    • Daezarkian

      LOL Math.

  8. amybraunauthor

    Wow. No words. Except that this was hilarious, and the last one does take the cake.



  1. Wait, What Did You Say? #blog | Candice Bundy - [...] Montano had mentioned noticing similar trends, so we both decided to gang up on y’all on blog about it…

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